Journal

May. 1st, 2017 08:05 pm
theladykitten: (marionette)
 5/1/17

Eleven days this time since our last fight. I am not really sure how this one started or really where it ended or if it even ended. He called me on his way home from work and we talked about dinner and salt wars issues with the camper and my issues at work and he kept getting exasperated with me and finally I asked him why he was being so snippy with me and he said he felt like I was yelling. I didn't say anything for a bit and he asked if I was upset with him. I told him I was upset. Not at him, but because of him. We started arguing about whether or not he was right in feeling upset himself about feeling like I was yelling and being hurtful. He started throwing around that I was upset because he was upset and blah blah blah like that. I told him he was playing the victim card and that was bullshit. I told him I was sorry that he felt like I was yelling, that I wasn't yelling, and I tried to tell him I just had strong feelings on the issue so my tone could have been mistaken for yelling but he interrupted me to say that I was being hurtful. I tried to tell him I was sorry he felt I was being hurtful and tried to find out what exactly he thought was hurtful but he again interrupted me telling me I was being hurtful. So I told him that he was bound and determined to be upset and that as long as that was the case and he wouldn't accept an apology then we couldn't talk tonight and I hung up. I texted him a little while later saying we could talk, if he wanted to, or that we could try something else if he wanted to do something else. He didn't respond but did drive up the drive way a little bit after that and we tried talking again. 

He recorded our phone call and said I was repetitive and had long pauses. I asked him to show me so he started playing the conversation. He could only point out one time that I was repetitive. The second time he said I was repetitive was when I told him something I did, and then told him about a conversation I had with my supervisor about the thing I did. The third time he said me describing the multiple ways taking the camper would impact us potentially at salt wars was repetitive even though I never said the same thing twice. He couldn't point out any of these long pauses he said I was giving him though. So then we started arguing about why I shared the conversation with him and he said he wanted me to be more succinct in our conversations and I told him that was asking me to take a foundation block out of my personality and replace it with a stick. He was asking me to be less of who I am, and to stop doing something that most people find helpful and positive about me. He got mad about that and said that he didn't know what to ask then, so I suggested that I just not tell him about my conversations anymore. He got mad about that too. Then we started arguing about why I told him all the details about taking the camper and he said he knew all that stuff and it made him feel like I thought he was stupid when I told him all that stuff. I told him I couldn't assume he knew it all because prior to friday, he hadn't even given the insurance on the camper a single thought. He got angry and said that I was right and I didn't believe him. So I told him, "I went to the doctor today and got my problem resolved. It doesn't matter who the doctor is, what the problem was, or where the appointment is....what was involved in doing that?" and he couldn't answer until I told him the steps. So then he started pacing around the kitchen saying I was right and that he was a moron and that I just had to treat him like a moron and he just had to suck it up. I told him he was not a moron, that he just forgets the little details and reminded him that that is something he asked me to help him manage. He said he didn't remember asking me that. 

So then we got to arguing about what exactly I'm supposed to do, am I supposed to remind him of things? Am I supposed to assume he knows and face the consequences if he forgets? What am I supposed to do? Because for the last month, we've had weekly fights on thursdays (this one waited till monday though, progress??) and it's always been about his memory. He said he fucked up and overreacted and I asked him if he was being genuine or not because of his tone. He said he was being genuine and after snapping at Taryn over the cheese being left out and then apologizing to him because he saw Taryn do exactly what he does...he came over and kissed the top of my head and said he just hated having his flaws pointed out and with his memory being one of them, it gets pointed out a lot and so it's raw. I asked him again, what am I supposed to do? He couldn't tell me. He kept arguing with my suggestions and eventually even said that he thought that our agreement for me to help him manage the little details was before our "No more promises" thing where every agreement we had before got thrown out the window. I just shook my head. This whole time I've been crying and he just paces, stares, snaps and yells at some points. His tone is harsh, and his attitude is mean. I go cry quietly on the couch for a few minutes and then I get up and tell him that I've asked him to do this before and he's blown me off but that I want him to start writing everything down. So in an exasperated tone he says what am I supposed to write down about this? I tell him to write down that I'm only going to remind him to DO something once and that I'm going to help him manage the little details. So he writes those down on some spreadsheet that has a few other things written on it. I ask him, what else do you want me to do so that this doesn't happen again and he can't answer me. Instead he tells me that I invalidate him so much that he isn't sure what he is allowed to take issue with anymore. I didn't say anything to that because he's just trying to find a reason to stay upset and perpetuate the arguement. 

A few minutes later he tells me that he doesn't even remember what we're fighting about anymore. He tells me that he's scared of that and that he isn't sure what happened. He says that's where he's at. So I ask him, do you care where I'm at? He says yes, so I tell him that I've just listened to him tell me that he genuinely fucked up, overreacted and made me cry for the last hour because of it and hasn't so much as apologized, or tried to make right for that. So he gives me a little hug for a few minutes and says he's sorry he overreacted. Then he goes back to cooking dinner. Earlier I tried to offer to cook so he could go work on his truck while there was still daylight but he argued with me saying he had promised to cook. That's a whole other discussion though.

So I changed the subject to dinner tonight and dinner later this week and got half hearted involvement from him so I gave up and came into the living room, sat down at my desk, and wrote this out while it was still fresh in my head. 

Journal

Apr. 22nd, 2017 10:54 am
theladykitten: (Bound)
 4/22/17
The last couple of days I've been struggling with some health issues and it turns out I have a kidney stone. Garrett thought I didn't want him to go to the hospital with me out of guilt and I told him it was a choice I made hoping to have more of the weekend with him rather than less because he missed some work on Friday and we knew he was already working Saturday. He said that made him feel a little better. I told him I really wanted him to be there but that I felt like the decision was the right thing to do and that it trumped my selfish desire to not be alone going through all that pain.
Today we tried to do our morning texts and he said he didn't know what he needed. I have asked him if he needs more time, some suggestions or offers from me, or what, and he hasn't responded yet but it's only been about twenty minutes and he is at work so sometimes it takes him a while to respond but I suspect that he's mad that I called him out on invalidating my feelings in Irken chat earlier when I told him I felt slighted by the request to no longer sponsor recruits when I just finally got my first recruit to sponsor that actually has real interest. He said that he understands my feelings but that HE feels it's fine. I told him, saying you understand but that you feel it's fine is invalidating and you need to stop brushing me off. I followed that up with I don't think it's a bad idea, I'm just kind of butthurt that my first opportunity to really participate in growing our numbers is being taken away. I said it was kind of opening up the group to being attacked by the saucer morons and that it took away from the idea of us being aliens and abducting people. About an hour later Ted responded with a middle ground idea that I had a single concern about so I voiced it but ended it with a positive thought. I feel like the two of them are gonna spin that I'm just being negative and trying to bring the group down, which is not true. I'm expressing my feelings and trying to be honest about my thoughts since they asked.
In any case, I think Garrett is just upset that I called him out so he's taking it out on our attempts to work through this trying time period to punish me.

Journal

Apr. 19th, 2017 10:54 am
theladykitten: (Weak)
 4/19/17
We talked about some checking in at bedtime and early morning expectation of needs texts. Communication is allowed if it's pressing otherwise we're supposed to wait until the evening check in. So far I've been keeping on top of the texting but he hasn't until I text him. He's asked me for the same thing for the last two days...positive affirmations. I've tried to ask for different things based on the day. The last two nights he's been sick and wanted to go to bed early which is a big bummer for me because he basically wants to be in bed at Taryn's bedtime and that leaves zero time of alone relaxation together. He hasn't been able to stay up on the weekends either because he's been working and that's like my one reward for making it through the week getting Taryn to school and myself to work. That's been really disappointing but unavoidable I guess. Still it's caused some contention and a bit of martyrdom between us. Some nights he's doing it, other nights I am. Tonight he's gaming and I fear that means no together time at all. That's usually what happens.

Journal

Apr. 17th, 2017 10:53 am
theladykitten: (marionette)
 4/17/17
Last night after Garrett took a break to watch some TV, we talked some more. I told him that I loved him feircely and that I was confused and scared. So much negative has changed between us. He told me he loved me, that on the good days he's happier than he's ever been and that on the bad days he'd still rather be with me than not. I asked him what he would do if that wasn't true. What would he do if on the bad days he wanted out? What would he do if even on the good days he felt scared and confused? He asked me if that's how I felt and I actually told him yes. I said I'm sorry, I love you I really do but I don't want to be in a relationship out of fear of being alone. I want to be in a relationship built on mutual trust, love, respect, and cooperation. I said right now all I felt like we had was love. I told him it was like quitting cigarettes....I want to smoke but I know it's hurting me. He asked if I was saying I was addicted to him. I never answered that. I told him I thought we needed to take a break. He was really quiet for a while and I asked him what he was thinking. He said part of him wanted to grab me and hold me and kiss me until I took it back. Part of him wanted to yell at me. Part of him wanted to be like, fine, take a break, see if I care. Part of him wanted to work out logistics and respect my wishes. Part of him wanted to leave. I asked him right now, what do you want to do, without thinking about it? He said he wanted to kiss me. I asked him why he didn't and he said he was afraid. I didn't ask why he was afraid. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he is afraid to follow his gut reaction and kiss me. I think, if he had, things might be different. I think if he had kissed me, opened up to me, I might have felt different. We talked about what might be at the core of these problems and he resorted to his usual, maybe it's your meds, response. It could be. About six weeks ago I started taking Latuda and since then my sex drive has dropped, I don't want to be touched. That's what I've noticed. He says I've pushed my friends away, isolated myself, built a wall. If he's right, then a large part of what could be going wrong, and why I'm having these thoughts and feelings could be simply because of a chemical imbalance and his behavior simply a response to my life changes. If I really am pushing people away, have I been subconciously pushing him away too? Have I really built this wall around myself? I'm not happy with the way my life is right now. Is he right? I called my doctor this morning and left her a voicemail. I'm waiting for her to call me back. Best to start with the simpliest solution I think. A bad medication MIGHT be enough to cause all this. Maybe.
I only want to be touched by him when I'm feeling like I've done something wrong and I'm loosing him.
I haven't spent time with friends in weeks.
I barely talk on the phone anymore.
I haven't spoken to my parents in almost a month except for one half hour call a few days ago.
I don't game anymore.
I don't go to Amtgard anymore.
But I'm not...unhappy with the way all that is. I'm kind of meh about it all. Like, I kind of don't care. The Latuda is an atypical antipsychotic designed to control mood swings. Could it have just leveled me out at a slightly depressed state? A state where I've stopped doing the things I enjoy and I just don't care anymore?
The more I think about it the more I'm leaning towards it being the medication. I have no drive to do anything...self care, work, parenting, marriage, fun, friends, life...it's all a struggle.
My doctor called me back. She wants me to go on a low dose of abilify. She says I should notice a change for the better in a week or so. Abilify was the medication I was on for years that worked but made me gain weight like crazy. Then we switched to Geodon and that worked for a while but made me gain weight too. Now I'm on Latuda and she wants to add Abilify to it. She says she thinks I'm on the highest dose allowed of Latuda and she's going to look into whether or not she can increase it. She says, at a higher dose I might not level out as depressed which is what she thinks has happened. She says it's not just a few things...it's my general overall level...I just don't care. So sometime today I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up the Abilify and try going on that again. Low dose though. My question is...how do I get through the next week waiting for improvement when every day is a struggle with Garrett? I can't tip toe around him. I've tried.
What if the Abilify helps but I still feel like we need to seperate? What if my drive for life comes back but not my drive for my marriage? What if it's just a coincidence that my marriage is failing at the same time that my medication is killing my ability to enjoy life? What if I start feeling better but not about us?

Journal

Apr. 16th, 2017 10:46 am
theladykitten: (johnny stars)
 4/16/17
A week ago this past thursday, Garrett and I got into a fight. That fight started because I tried to talk to him about something he had done wrong and he twisted and warped the argument until it was about how I had hurt his feelings in the way I told him what he did was wrong. He stormed off for a few hours and refused to talk to me or tell me what I could do to right the situation. When he came back he refused to acknowledge me in any way. When I finally got him to acknowledge me he never accepted that he had ever done anything wrong and insisted that the only wrong doing in the whole matter was how I spoke to him and falsely accused him of doing anything wrong. He claimed it was merely a memory issue that he had no control over and that for me to be upset was irrational and unreasonable. We never really resolved that fight.
The following thursday, I tried to talk to him about Salt Wars. I have had my reservations about going for a fifth year because it always ends up a fight between us that shakes the faith in the foundations of our marriage that I have. Over the last year I have made multiple suggestions, none of which he has tried to use or taken seriously. So on Thursday I tried to talk to him about it because we were running out of time for any demonstration to be made that would make me feel comfortable in going. I started having an idea and instead of fleshing it out in my head first and then explaining it to him, I tried explaining it as it was forming and it came out all kinds of wrong. That only made things worse. He latched on to the poor explanation and ran with it. When I finally got it out that what I wanted was to see him put some effort into conflict resolution since he had so far put none in and I was afraid to go to Salt Wars without some kind of effort on his part, he seemed more reasonable about it. I went into the bedroom to let off some steam and cry a little and he immediately tried to put some effort into conflict resolution by asking me if I was wanting to be alone and was serious about letting him watch his show, or if I wanted him there with me. I told him it was both and he got upset. I told him I wanted him to be able to do what he wanted without input from me, while I did what I needed to do, which was be alone in the bedroom to cry for a few minutes and try to calm myself down. He decided that since I wanted him to do what he wanted to do, that he wanted to go to bed. In the past he has told me that me crying while he's trying to sleep upsets him, therefore making his choice the one thing that would prohibit me from doing what I needed to do to resolve my feelings. When I explained this, he said he'd go sleep in the living room. I told him it was a catch 22...that because he decided to go to bed it was either he got to do what he wanted to do, OR, I got to do what I needed to do. We then fought about that.
Both thursday arguements ended in him quasi forcing sex on me. The first one, I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't and so eventually I just gave in. I have since learned that that is spousal rape. Yesterday we almost got into a big fight because he tried to grab my crotch playfully, which is something I have NEVER liked, and I slapped his hands away repeatedly. He then said he would like it if I was more careful about where I hit him on his hands because it caused lasting pain if I hit his wrists. I was in shock....I was defending myself physically because saying no wasn't getting me anywhere, and he had the nerve to ask me to watch what I was doing in defense of my body so as not to hurt him. When I explained this to him he got defensive. I walked off into the bedroom saying that I guess I'll just stop defending myself then in the future. He came in a little while later and seemed genuinely sorry in words but his demeanor seemed somewhat strained. We talked about my lack of a sex drive lately (about six weeks or so) and he claimed that wasn't playing a part in any of this. He said he was patient and that we'd eventually get back into the groove of things...that these phases come and go with me and that it would be alright. He was all kinds of reassuring.
Today, I woke up from a nap to see that he was advancing a character on wow that we had discussed playing together. When I told him I felt hurt and betrayed, he began invalidating my feelings saying that it was my own assumptions that had caused me to be hurt. I told him before all this began, when I initially said I was hurt, that I was afraid to talk to him about it because every time I bring up something he has done wrong it turns into a fight and he gets defensive and arguementative about it. He let it go at that and said that there was nothing he could do if I wouldn't tell him what he did. So I texted him plainly what he did. Thus began the twisting and warping again until it was about how *I* was making *HIM* feel and anything he might have done was invalid and so were my feelings. He started walking away and I asked him for a time out. I said I didn't want to fight and I didn't want him to walk away and abandon me again. He started leaving again, saying he didn't want to talk to me for a few days. I asked for a hug. He came and gave me a long hug but then said he had to go. I asked when he'd be back and he said before nine. It's almost seven now. He promised to bathe Taryn before bed but I doubt that is going to happen now. I'll probably have to do it.
I'm writing this down because I've begun to see a pattern. A flow downhill of things in my marriage and I'm genuinely wondering if this is the beginning of the end. Things with Zach just got so bad, so quickly and my first thoughts of divorce came so soon after our marriage that I felt I must have been over reacting. Consistently thinking of divorce during that marriage has made me second guess ever thinking of divorce in this one because it was such a constant present thought in my marriage to Zach that now, to think about it, especially with Garrett whom I love so much and with all my heart and soul and my entire being, feels somewhat surreal. Like maybe I'm just over reacting. The thing is, the thought of divorcing Garrett...of me, voluntarily divorcing him....of me being the one to initiate it...is so NOT normal. Every time it's come up it's been him. So for me to think about it not once, not twice, but three times in the last month...I feel it needs documenting. I need to be able to see my thought process untainted by time, in the moment, so that I can look clearly back on things and decide if I am over reacting by thinking of divorce, or if I am simply reacting. Do I really want a divorce?
I'm so over the moon for him, I think I'd spend the rest of my life happily living in misery just to be by his side. Last night, when he was really drunk, he told me that even in our fights he still loves me and that he'll always love me. I do belive him. But, if he does love me so much, why, knowing how much it hurts me, knowing how much I'd try anything to avoid him doing this, does he still feel the need to leave me? Over and over and over again. He knows that I have a bad history of people leaving me, that it affects me deeply in ways I can't begin to describe. Yet still, in the worst possible moments of our relationship, he feels the need to leave me. No matter how many times it happens, I always wonder if this is the time he just doesn't ever come back. Is this the time that he leaves for good? I can't help it.
As of today, Garrett has decided that he will no longer be promising anything and that I cannot take him at his word about anything unless he says he promises. Everything else must be worded as a "I will try" sort of sentence. Also Garrett has decided that there is a ninety percent chance that I will reject any sort of attempt to make me feel better and that I always make him put me first in the ending of these arguements. All of this furthers my belief that I am perhaps not just over reacting...that perhaps things really have gotten so far out of hand that there is real evidence that this is the beginning of the end of things.

May 2017

S M T W T F S
  123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031